Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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