He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
