she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
