I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
