I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
