allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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