OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Randomize
