Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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