I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
