Little spoons don't ask big questions
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
