u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
