walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
