i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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