dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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