I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Let's paint friendship bongs
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
