i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
