i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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