i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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