I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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