Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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