What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
