this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
