I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
