I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
handjob tips. give me some.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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