Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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