phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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