Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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