I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my shit smells like andre
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
