I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Best friends brother. Beat that.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
