i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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