Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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