the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
