im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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