I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
