I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
