So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
he was CRYING into my vagina
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
