Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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