fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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