dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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