are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
