So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
