does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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