i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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