I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
