based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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