I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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