Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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