my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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