You really coming over, don't trick.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
