I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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