I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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