I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
do nipples grow back?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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