Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
